So when I was pregnant and people would ask if I planned to breastfeed, I would generally say, "I do, and I really hope I can do it, but if I can't I'm going to be ok with just giving him formula." Haha. Talk about something that is so much easier said than done. Once that little guy got here, I was more than determined to breastfeed him. After all, "a mother's milk is the perfect meal for a newborn" and "it gives him exactly what he needs" and all that. Which is true. I know. So we started on the adventure of breastfeeding. It took him a couple of tries to get the suck, breathe and swallow rhythm down, but by the time we left the hospital, he was handling things pretty well.
Then my milk came in and that totally threw off his rhythm. I became so engorged on one side that he refused to latch at all. We spent one entire night with him crying because he was hungry and me crying because I was so frustrated that he wouldn't latch on. I had what he wanted, but he just couldn't figure out how to get it...and that is super hard on a new mama's heart. Finally, out of desperation I pumped out a meal for him and he ate it from a bottle like a champ. You hear so much about how you're not supposed to give them a bottle until breast feeding is well established, but we were desperate at that point, and I just had to find a way to give my babe what he needed. Luckily, we had an appointment with the pediatrician the next day and there is a lactation consultant on staff there. She helped us get latched on and things started to look up.
Well, a babe eating every three hours makes for quite the full-time job for a breastfeeding mom. Especially because Henry was eating for an hour (and sometimes more). This really only left two hours in between feedings and sometimes at night he would want to eat every two hours, so basically all I was doing those first few weeks was breastfeeding. And even though he'd get his latch straight after a few seconds, apparently he wasn't doing great at it initially, so all the painful cracking and bleeding began. I could stand it because he got himself straight after a few seconds, but the intital pain was intense. Looking back, I now realize that he probably wasn't nursing very efficiently and that is why he would take so long. Also, now knowing how much he loves his pacifier, I am pretty convinced that part of that time he was just using me as a pacifier. Anyways, I was still committed. Of course, I want to do what is absolutely best for my babe.
Over the next few weeks I started to run a fever of 102. After a trip to the doctor, they said it was probably mastitis (even though I no symptoms of it on my breasts). Luckily, a dose of antibiotics cleared it up. Then one afternoon I ate some (apparently) bad pizza and got a mild case of food poisoning. I was exhausted, in pain, and now ill. I told Matt that night that I had to pump because I just didn't have it in me to endure the pain of his latch and then an hour nursing session with only 1-2 hours of downtime before I had to do it again. I had hit a breaking point. So I started to pump. And he loved the bottle, thankfully, and had no issues with it. So I kept it up. The cracking was so bad that sometimes I would pump pink milk where I was bleeding. I'd usually throw that milk out and try again. I know that's probably what he was getting when he'd nurse, but I couldn't stand to give it to him if I knew about it. Anyways, pumping full-time was still a very time consuming job, but the pain was so much less that I decided to stick with that. Plus, it was nice that Matt or someone else could feed him from time to time. I'd still have to wake-up and pump every three hours, but it saved so much time in the long run and felt so much better. I decided that I would do this as long as I could. I could handle all the work that pumping took if it meant that he'd still get the breast milk he needed and I didn't have to suffer quite so bad to give it to him.
Moving forward a few more days/weeks (it is all blurry, but all of this happened in his first 6 weeks of life, so obviously every time I say "a few weeks," it was probably more like a few days...
I noticed that I had a clogged duct on the top of my left breast. This had happened before in other places on my breast and I had been able to massage it and it would go away. This one was not going away though. It just kept getting bigger, and slowly started to turn red. In retrospect, I should've gone to the doctor sooner, but I didn't really know. I just thought it was clogged and that the doctor could massage it and get it unclogged for me. I had a scheduled doctor's appointment about 5 days into this new development, so I waited until then. The doctor took one look at it and told me that I had mastitis...full-blown mastitis this time. And he massaged it, trying to get it to release and could make no progress. He put me on antibiotic in hopes that that would help the infection, and I had to schedule another appointment 4 days later. Well, 4 days later I could tell that the antibiotic had made no difference whatsoever. It was looking a lot worse. I had a knot, probably about the size of a strawberry under the skin at the top of my breast. And it HURT. It was so sore...if I touched it...if I tried to stretch my arm back...etc. I knew I was in trouble.
Thus, began one of the most painful experiences of my life so far. I seriously joked with the doctor that I think I'd rather go through childbirth again than this. Upon observing it, the doctor said that the infection had been walled-off by my body, so the antibiotic couldn't get to it. Also, the infection had abscessed. This happens to about 3% of people who have mastitis. Lucky me. He said that he would have to drain it and depending on what he drained out of it, we'd decide on the next game plan. Using a needle and syringe, he proceeded to drain it. It was seriously so incredibly painful. I can't even describe it. I just hope I never have to experience this again. I was in tears...curling my toes...clenching my fists...but I just wanted it to be fixed, so I am glad that he did it. Then after draining it he told me that I would have to massage it several times over the next 48 hours, trying to keep it drained. Ew. And Ow. It hurt so bad that I couldn't even touch it at that point. He gave me a prescription for a painkiller and a shot of antibiotic with instructions to keep taking the antibiotic I had. Also, I had to come back in two days to see how it was doing. If things didn't improve, there is a chance that I'd have to have real surgery on it where they'd "fillet" it open and pack it so that it could drain and heal. Ugh. Let's hope we can avoid that. Also, he said "this is certainly not a reason to stop breastfeeding, but it will heal faster if you do." Well, he didn't know about all my other issues I'd been having breastfeeding, but I took this as the final sign that our journey had come to an end. It was a really hard decision and I had to come home and work my mind through it, talking to my sister, a good friend and our pediatrician before I was 100% sure that we should stop, but when it came down to it, that was the best decision for us and I knew that Henry would be ok either way.
Anyways, praying for the best, I worked really hard to massage it at home. It was painful, but I knew I had to do that if I wanted it to heal. It did drain...and I could tell it was draining milk, which was good. The problem is, as my breasts fill up with milk, that spot fills up too. But then it doesn't have anywhere to go...so the knot returns. This is why once my milk dries up things will be better...but that usually takes at least a week. The doctor's hope was that the needle hole would be big enough to let it drain out. Turns out that it wasn't...
So this morning I had to go back to the doctor. I thought that the infection was better, but knew that the knot was back and wasn't draining. He agreed that the infection had improved, which is a good thing. But he said we had to make a bigger incision to let it drain. So again, with the pain. He did numb the area a little this time, which helped with the actual incision, but the mashing and massaging was still ridiculously painful. This time he cut me about half a centimeter, and immediately the milk started to gush out. Ew. Again. But successful...again. I got another antibiotic shot, instructions to keep taking the oral antibiotic and the pain medicine and again, I have to keep massaging it. The hope is that this cut will be big enough for it to drain. The next step would be the "fillet." I hope it doesn't get to this. I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow...hopefully the knot won't return. Oy...I really hope it doesn't. I don't want to have to have it cut more, nor do I want to have "real" surgery on it.
So here's hoping it improves. I had no idea this would be so painful, but it is seriously some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I am going to faithfully massage it tonight and try and keep it drained. I just hope that I can, and that the antibiotics continue to work.
All that to say, our breastfeeding journey has come to an end. After a lot of research and talking with a lot of important people in my life, I am ok with this. I don't really have the luxury of "weaning" Henry off of breast milk...I do have some saved up in the freezer, but not enough to wean him for 2-3 weeks like a lot of people recommend. However, both my doctor and the pediatrician said that he would be ok going mostly "cold turkey." So now I am giving him some meals of my frozen breast milk and some of formula. I tried formula for the first time yesterday afternoon and he didn't miss a beat. I am so lucky that he is a champion eater. He's had several meals of it so far and hasn't seemed bothered by it at all. I hope that continues. I know sometimes you have to try several types of formula before you find the best fit for your babe. So far, he's doing great on the first one the pediatrician recommend.
All-in-all, this has been quite the unforeseen experience. When I asked my doctor if this would likely happen again if I have other children and try to breastfeed them, he told me it probably would. He said I could try, but should stop at the first sign of any infection. I'll jump that bridge when I get there though. Let's handle this one first.
There are so many things that go along with childbirth and post-partum recovery that you don't know about. It truly is an adventure. I'm thankful this is the worst we've had to deal with, and I'm very thankful that it is an issue with me, not the babe. But whew...this is one painful thing. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone!
