Nothing's Changed, Yet Everything's Changed

Kim

Nothing's Changed, Yet Everything's Changed

Nothing's changed, yet everything's changed.  That's how I keep describing how I feel to Matt.  It's like because nobody else knows about this big secret, and I don't really feel any different, nothing has changed.  However, we have this HUGE SECRET and if things work out as we hope, everything will change and already has begun to change!  It is such a weird place to be. I almost forget most days that I am pregnant.  But then I remember...and then I freak out a little...and then I am so happy.  But so nervous too.  That is why I am going ahead and writing these blogs, even though I won't publish them until later.  I want to remember how all of this feels.  Matt and I will never experience this for the very first time again. 

It is so nervewracking for me at the moment.  I want to make sure I am eating and not eating the right things.  I want to make sure I am not doing any single thing that might put this little apple seed in danger.  But then I am also trying so hard not to worry all the time, because that can't be good either, right?  So I am glad for the distraction of Memorial Day, and our anniversary.  Memorial Day was great at BHI.  We enjoyed lots of sun and sand.  I do think Matt's mom and dad became a little suspicious that something was going on when I continued to refuse a glass of wine at dinner, but I didn't know what else to do.  And I don't think they realize that I am actually pregnant, I think they just think we are starting to try.  Matt even mentioned to his dad one night that we have "things in the works" when his dad asked.  So I really don't think they know more than that.  And hopefully, they'll still be surprised when we get to tell them.  But we'll worry about that when we get there.

We're headed to Blowing Rock this weekend to celebrate our 4th anniversary!  It is hard to believe it has been four years since we got married in the middle of a hurricane.  It has been an extraordinary time and I am so thankful for Matt and our marriage.  In the course of four years Matt has graduated from law school, studied and passed the bar exam, gotten his first job as a "real" attorney, we've moved three times, bought a house, bought a car, welcomed our nieces into the world, I've had two jobs, gone back to school and finished my coursework for my elementary education teaching liscensure, and we've gotten a puppy.  And now, just shy of our four year anniversary, we're celebrating our first pregnancy.  Pretty crazy stuff.  But so many blessings to celebrate.

I know I am going to be eating these words, but I really am ready to feel queasy...or have a heightened sense of smell....or something.  I'd feel so much better just having that affirmation...even if it means I'll truly feel so much worse.  In time, I suppose.  Plus, who wishes to be sick? I know, I'm bizarre. I'm just looking for a little more affirmation right now.  Anyways, the test yesterday was very clearly positive, so I know we are still on our way.  Now, I suppose I should call the doctor and schedule that first appointment, right?  Whew.  I am going to have to get up some nerves to do that!  Eek!!

Holy Moly

Kim

Holy Moly

So many thoughts, where to even begin?  It is crazy.  It doesn’t seem real.  It feels like Matt and I have this big gigantic secret that is joyful and exciting and terrifying all at the same time, but we can’t tell anyone.  Or we are afraid to tell anyone at this point.  What if it goes away?  What if it’s not really true?  But you don’t really ever get a false positive, right?  That’s what all the websites say, anyways.  And by their calculations, we would be at 5 weeks and the invisible secret is the size of an apple seed.  But I don’t feel anything yet (which the websites say is also normal).  I almost wish I would get sick (infamous last words, right?) just so that I know I am not crazy.  That will likely come in the next few weeks.  But at this point, sometimes I think I feel something weird going on, but mostly, I bet it’s in my head.  I don’t know.  I mean how can you be starting to grow a human inside of you and not really feel much of anything?  It is truly miraculous.  And crazy.  And weird.  And awe-inspiring.

So, last night, Thursday, May 26, 2011, we got home from the Boy Scout/Lawyers dinner at the local country club, and I was going to start packing for the weekend (this weekend is Memorial Day weekend and we’re headed to BHI, with the Richardsons – more on that in a minute), and I decided to just take a test.  I wasn’t exactly late yet…maybe a day or two, but you know…I had one test, and I figured, why not?  Matt didn’t even know I was taking it.  He was outside watering the garden.  So I took it.  And immediately there were two lines. I was not expecting that at all.  And then I got nervous…what if it was a faulty test?  Did that mean what I really thought it did?  Should I tell Matt right away or wait until the weekend was over, take another one to make sure, and then tell him?  But I knew that I couldn’t go a whole weekend and keep a secret like that from him.  I would go nuts.  So I go outside to tell him that I think we need to make a trip to Walgreens because I just took a test and I think it’s positive and I’d like some affirmation.   This was all intentional, but still, he is clearly in shock.  As am I.  I really don’t believe that it’s true.  I’m still not sure I do.  He tries to convince me to wait until the next day to get another test, but I know I can’t do that. I’ll never sleep…so off we go.  And we buy another one.  (Funny side note:  when I bought the first test, the stupid check-out guy – who was probably 17 years old, looks at me and says, “Nervous?”  I just looked at him…I didn’t even know what to say.  Who is he to be judging me on my drug store purchases?!  And what if I really was a single girl who was nervous for that reason…or a woman who’d be trying for a long time and was nervous for that reason?  AND OF COURSE I WAS NERVOUS!  I don’t know of anyone who’d take a test and not be nervous for some reason or another.  Jerk.)  Anyways, come home, take it…positive again.  We didn’t really know what to do or say.  We were definitely in a state of disbelief.  And it is so early.  Years ago, women couldn’t even find out until they were much further along.  Now you find out so soon.  And so much can happen.  We are excited and happy, of course…but just in awe.  So we agree not to say anything and to take another test after the weekend is over to make sure things are still a “go.”  We also talked about how we’re going to hang out with Matt’s family all weekend and make sure they don’t suspect anything.  Could be tricky, but here’s hoping for the best. (Oh, and May 26 is Carolyn’s birthday, so congrats best friend forever, we found out one of the craziest things in our life to this point, on your birthday!)

And next weekend, we’re headed to the mountains to celebrate our 4 year anniversary.  I am so excited for that…but realized that now I can’t get in the hot tub at the house.  Lol.  Funny, what thoughts start going through your head.  The other first thoughts I had are, “what in the world am I going to eat for lunch now?”  You can’t eat deli meat (unless it’s steaming hot –ew), and that is my staple for lunch.  Then I’m reading that you shouldn't eat a lot of peanut butter because it might increase the risk of a peanut allergy (and yes, I realize I read too much, I can’t help it), so…I don’t know.  It is scary.  I do not want to do anything that will remotely endanger the apple seed.  But I also know that a lot is beyond my control and I have to be ok with that and relax.  No matter what happens, God is in control and its part of His plan and I can’t mess that up.  Now, if I can just figure out how to relax and go about my business as normal for the next few weeks (months?) – BUT I HAVE THIS HUGE SECRET! – things are so not normal at this point.  How can others not notice?  Holy moly.  I am pregnant!  Weird.