Holy Moly
So many thoughts, where to even begin? It is crazy. It doesn’t seem real. It feels like Matt and I have this big gigantic secret that is joyful and exciting and terrifying all at the same time, but we can’t tell anyone. Or we are afraid to tell anyone at this point. What if it goes away? What if it’s not really true? But you don’t really ever get a false positive, right? That’s what all the websites say, anyways. And by their calculations, we would be at 5 weeks and the invisible secret is the size of an apple seed. But I don’t feel anything yet (which the websites say is also normal). I almost wish I would get sick (infamous last words, right?) just so that I know I am not crazy. That will likely come in the next few weeks. But at this point, sometimes I think I feel something weird going on, but mostly, I bet it’s in my head. I don’t know. I mean how can you be starting to grow a human inside of you and not really feel much of anything? It is truly miraculous. And crazy. And weird. And awe-inspiring.
So, last night, Thursday, May 26, 2011, we got home from the Boy Scout/Lawyers dinner at the local country club, and I was going to start packing for the weekend (this weekend is Memorial Day weekend and we’re headed to BHI, with the Richardsons – more on that in a minute), and I decided to just take a test. I wasn’t exactly late yet…maybe a day or two, but you know…I had one test, and I figured, why not? Matt didn’t even know I was taking it. He was outside watering the garden. So I took it. And immediately there were two lines. I was not expecting that at all. And then I got nervous…what if it was a faulty test? Did that mean what I really thought it did? Should I tell Matt right away or wait until the weekend was over, take another one to make sure, and then tell him? But I knew that I couldn’t go a whole weekend and keep a secret like that from him. I would go nuts. So I go outside to tell him that I think we need to make a trip to Walgreens because I just took a test and I think it’s positive and I’d like some affirmation. This was all intentional, but still, he is clearly in shock. As am I. I really don’t believe that it’s true. I’m still not sure I do. He tries to convince me to wait until the next day to get another test, but I know I can’t do that. I’ll never sleep…so off we go. And we buy another one. (Funny side note: when I bought the first test, the stupid check-out guy – who was probably 17 years old, looks at me and says, “Nervous?” I just looked at him…I didn’t even know what to say. Who is he to be judging me on my drug store purchases?! And what if I really was a single girl who was nervous for that reason…or a woman who’d be trying for a long time and was nervous for that reason? AND OF COURSE I WAS NERVOUS! I don’t know of anyone who’d take a test and not be nervous for some reason or another. Jerk.) Anyways, come home, take it…positive again. We didn’t really know what to do or say. We were definitely in a state of disbelief. And it is so early. Years ago, women couldn’t even find out until they were much further along. Now you find out so soon. And so much can happen. We are excited and happy, of course…but just in awe. So we agree not to say anything and to take another test after the weekend is over to make sure things are still a “go.” We also talked about how we’re going to hang out with Matt’s family all weekend and make sure they don’t suspect anything. Could be tricky, but here’s hoping for the best. (Oh, and May 26 is Carolyn’s birthday, so congrats best friend forever, we found out one of the craziest things in our life to this point, on your birthday!)
And next weekend, we’re headed to the mountains to celebrate our 4 year anniversary. I am so excited for that…but realized that now I can’t get in the hot tub at the house. Lol. Funny, what thoughts start going through your head. The other first thoughts I had are, “what in the world am I going to eat for lunch now?” You can’t eat deli meat (unless it’s steaming hot –ew), and that is my staple for lunch. Then I’m reading that you shouldn't eat a lot of peanut butter because it might increase the risk of a peanut allergy (and yes, I realize I read too much, I can’t help it), so…I don’t know. It is scary. I do not want to do anything that will remotely endanger the apple seed. But I also know that a lot is beyond my control and I have to be ok with that and relax. No matter what happens, God is in control and its part of His plan and I can’t mess that up. Now, if I can just figure out how to relax and go about my business as normal for the next few weeks (months?) – BUT I HAVE THIS HUGE SECRET! – things are so not normal at this point. How can others not notice? Holy moly. I am pregnant! Weird.
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